A marriage represents a commitment, a commitment from a person towards something. That “something” may be someone, or it may be larger than a person. You might say that you are making a commitment to a husband or a wife. That is an important ingredient because there is a part of a marriage that represents a union on the level of the flesh. Flesh touches flesh in a very intimate, close, committed way. However, if a marriage were to rest upon that alone, it would be untenable. It would be very difficult to have the commitment that leads to a lasting marriage depend solely upon the physicality of the flesh and what bodies do and do not do. Bodies by their nature are corruptible; eventually they decay, and ultimately they die.
A physical, intimate commitment is really a reduction process. It is like asking how much you are willing to reduce what you are in relation to who or what you are married to, for example, your husband or wife. Your ability to reduce yourself will define the strength and the lasting quality of the marriage. The more you are willing to reduce yourself, to go through that portal that is like the “eye of the needle,” the closer you come to your essence (the no-thing-ness from which you came) and have access to heaven. It is a reduction of your burdens and attachments to worldly things.
In a very traditional sense, we may say, “I am married to you. I have a right to see you naked and have you naked. You get me for all I’ve got and all I am and all I am worth. Take everything I have, and do what you want with me.” That is sometimes seen as the entitlement aspect of marriage. Perhaps a more elevated perspective might be, “Do what you want with me, my love. I am yours because I do not resist the reduction to the nothingness. I have the willingness and ability to reduce myself so I am all things to you. I am willing to adapt myself to you and serve you.” If you are willing to go to those levels, you are going to have an incredibly wonderful, rich marriage because it will no longer be dependent on whoever or whatever you are marrying. It simply will not matter.
Someone can lie, cheat, steal, and ravage, and you may say, “I did not know I was marrying that.” Well, sometimes that is just what goes with what you are marrying. If you love them completely—through thick and thin, sickness and health, richer and poorer—you can notice that you have all sorts of variety in what you ended up marrying. If you are willing to love through and past all those circumstances, you are going to have a fantastic marriage. Your loving will go right through whatever it is as though it has nothing to do with them. In a way, they will have no power over you because there is nothing they cannot do or become that you will not love. They can become headless, and you’d still love them, because it’s like, “I don’t need a head. I’m just loving whatever shows up or whatever doesn’t show up. I still have a place for you. I sing and dance whenever you arrive. I order the castle for you.” If you are willing to go to those levels, your marriage is going to be wonderful. When you are willing to give yourself over completely in a marriage, that commitment will bypass whatever anyone else could do or be and go directly to God. That is a true spiritual marriage.
Does this mean that you hurt yourself in a marriage? That is not something that is required by the God I know. Each of us has a sacred responsibility to take care of the body temple and not allow ourselves to be hurt. Can there be things that, as a result of a marriage, are far less than ideal or unpleasant? Yes, but that does not really say as much about the marriage as it says about the ways of the world. Some of the ways of the world are harsh and severe, and it is not exclusive to the circumstances of marriage. That is how things sometimes go in this world, and marriage is not the only place where these things happen. If that does happen in a marriage (or anywhere else), it is something for you to work through. It is not unique. Loving is the foundation of marriage, not hurt or malice.
Some people might say, “I didn’t get married to reduce myself. I married because I am enhancing myself. I am adding to my life. Here is my list of my requirements. You have to be this and that. We are going to do this and that.” It is not unusual for people to go into marriages trying to condition them. These people will need all the good luck and best wishes they can get.
Marriage is a place of life where the life force can come forth like a seed that is moving to fruition. It can go out and bless another life to come into the world, blessing your community and neighbors. A very powerful marriage blesses the world. That is why you often find that the people doing great things have a marriage that is a foundation for what they are doing in the world. Behind this great person is often a really great person. If you want to meet the truly great person, go behind the first one to the one who is supporting in every way what the other is becoming in the world. It is a great position of service, and God knows who is doing that. The world does not necessarily know, but God knows.
When your marriage is a consecration to God, it will not be about what goes on in the world or who does or does not know about it. Most of what goes on in a sacred marriage is between you and God. It is meant to stay sacred and not meant to go out into the world.
When we are tempted to go out into the world, we are not in our “right mind.” We are in a reactive place. It can be like getting in the middle of a fight between two married people and taking sides. Watch out. It will not be long before you are going to be out because one partner will say, “When you took my side, you were disloyal to my spouse, and I cannot have that.” You may say, “But I thought you were right.” A true partner in the marriage will likely say, “No, we were just working things out, and nobody was right or wrong.” Marriage has a capacity to work things out. Marriage will endure.
Abraham Lincoln was married to this nation, and what he knew he knew clearly. His “North Star” was the union of the nation, which had to be preserved. He was willing to do just about anything to preserve that union, whatever it took. With a marriage, that “whatever it takes” is there if you make the commitment. If you do not, you bypass knowing the depth of sacredness and commitment available. Lincoln had a great commitment to the nation. It really tested him because he was playing on such a big scale. There are even bigger scales. The scale of the Christ is to love all, to be married to all. If you take into the marriage that consciousness that loves all, it will assist you in reducing yourself to the nothingness from which you came.
When we do that, we surrender completely as an act of consecration and honoring. It is not about someone being better or superior to us. If you base it on what you are doing, you will not get anything. If you try to base it on what is fair or who deserves what, you will get lost. Marriage is about doing things as a consecration to the vow you take. Find the commitment that goes beyond all things, and that is what you will do it for. That commitment will preserve the marriage through all things even when others say it will not. You will be married because once the consecration is made, it is done. That is how it goes. It is between you and God.
Baruch Bashan.
