photo taken by Carol at Windermere Ranch

The following contribution is a poem But I Still Feel Like Crying by Carol Chaffin, MSIA minister and Windermere resident.

2021-08-21 But I Still Feel Like Crying

To know God,
to see God,
to worship God,
to praise God …,
[our] ultimate
destiny,
[says J-R].

It’s not a
destination
where you
do it and
then you stop.

It’s a destiny,
meaning
a continual
ongoing thing
of doing this
without reward
except finding
and worshipping
and seeing
and loving God
as God is God.

Everyone
is going to
find that.

You don’t want
to delay.

– John-Roger, Loving Each Day, 8/23/05,
https://www.msia.org/quotes/show/2436

As I
take in
these words,
I find myself
drawing in a
deep breath,
and sighing.

I find myself
almost
weeping.

I don’t
know why.

Maybe it’s
the depth
of what
this is
for me.

The truth
I hear
in these
words.

And how they
resonate
inside me.

That and a
profound
sense of
longing.

It’s much
the same
feeling
I’ve been
having lately,
listening to
a song
by Leonard
Cohen
called:
You Want It
Darker.

A song
Cohen wrote,
a couple
of weeks
before
he died.

“You want it
darker,”
he says
in the song.

Seemed to me,
he was
talking
to God.
Or maybe
it was
some
deep part
of himself.

But doesn’t
that describe
what’s
going on
in the world
right now:
You
want it
darker?

This song
was brought
to my
attention
by an
MSIA
minister,
after only a
few words
had been
spoken
between us.

He was asking
what had
brought me
to where
I am
(choosing to
live at
Windermere).

I answered:
“Following
Spirit.”

And he started
talking about
the Cohen song,
and especially
about a
Hebrew word
in the chorus:
Hineni (hee-NAY-nee),
meaning:
“Here I am.”

As in:
“Here I am,
Lord.
I’m ready.”

I could see
how deeply
the song
moved him.

He told me
that Hineni
was the word
Abraham
was saying,
as he
walked up
the mountain
to sacrifice
his beloved son,
Issac.

Hineni.
Here I am,
Lord.
I’m ready.

Hineni,
a word used

when God
personally
calls on
someone
in the Bible
to do
something
difficult and
important.
https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/weekly-standard/hineni

Like dying.

Hineni.
Here I am,
Lord.
I’m ready.

Dying
to this world.

Or maybe
just joyfully,
willingly,
accepting
whatever
it is that
God asks
of us,
no matter
how challenging
the task
might be,
or how much
sadness we
find ourselves
bearing.

Hineni.
Here I am,
Lord.
I’m ready.

Since
yesterday,
I’ve been
saying
that word
to myself,
whenever
I find
that I’m
feeling
especially
challenged.

And since
yesterday,
when
I’m chanting
my tone,
I’ve also
started
saying
inwardly
to myself:
“Praise God!”
between and
around
the names
of God,
as I chant
silently
to myself.

I figured
that might
help me
to navigate
the depth
of these
feelings.

Praise God!

It seems
to be
helping.

Praise God
is what
came forward
after reading
more words
from J-R:

Do you know
what the key
phrase is
in the Bible?

Praise God.

Do you know
what you do
when you
praise God?

You lift
yourself up.

Calling God
into you
through your eyes
and your voice
brings the
convergence
of the Spirit.

When you
are filled
with the
Holy Spirit,
your whole life
takes on
a different
aspect,
and you must
be prepared
for the world
to start
rejecting and
ridiculing you.

This can be
your family,
your friends,
the people
you work with.

But one day
they are going
to come
to that place
themselves,
and they
will say,

Thank you
for holding
to what
you knew.

Thank you
for standing
strong
when the winds
and the
tempest blew.

Thank you
for disregarding
what others said
and following
what you knew
in your heart
to be true.

Because
there lies
the way for
all of us
to overcome
the uncertainties
and struggles
of life.

There lies
the path
of finding
the certainty
of our own
beingness,
and living
in that.

That’s what
I would wish
for all of you.

– John-Roger, Loving Each Day, 04/02/06,
https://www.msia.org/quotes/show/2663

Hineni.
Here I am,
Lord.
I’m ready.

And praise God,
as I face
the struggles
and uncertainties
of my life.

Praise
God,
in and
around
the names
of God,
I remind
myself,
as I call
myself
forward
into the Light.

I wonder …
Does that
still count
as chanting
my tone,
J-R?

The thought
of J-R
keeping score
makes me
laugh.

Hunh.

But I
still feel
like crying.

Baruch Bashan

Carol Chaffin

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Ave Verum

 

Celestial Melodies