Grief is an ordinary human response to a sense of loss, such as the death of a loved one. We can feel wounded, hurt and in pain when someone we love transitions. Rather than trying to get rid of those feelings, it’s better to find a way to appreciate the grieving and the essence of grieving as experiences provided to you for your learning, upliftment and growth. Remember, every situation and circumstance is designed by God to bring out the best in us.
When we’re upset and hurt, it may be hard to smile and laugh. But we still can because the eternal joy is always present and can move through the sorrow. So as your joy returns and naturally comes forth, just allow that to be. Don’t judge your process.
When we lose someone, we are often shown our judgments and attachments. So it’s important to look at your relationships, including the one with whoever has passed on, and what we want to create within ourselves. As we allow ourselves to grieve naturally, there’s a healing of the wound or place where the attachment had been. The deeper the involvement, the deeper the attachment and perhaps the greater the grieving experience.
When we are grieving, there’s a beauty and a grace to be appreciated. It can be hauntingly beautiful. So it’s important to give ourselves the space to have the experience without demanding that we should be feeling a different way. Even if you make rules about how you should feel, it is what it is and you will feel what you feel. I don’t have rules for how anyone should feel about the loss of a loved one. Perhaps others do. They may expect you to be different than the way you are as you grieve. I don’t, and I suggest you don’t put such expectations on yourself.
It’s important to take responsibility for all of our feelings, knowing that everything we feel at some level we have created, promoted and allowed. Nobody else controls our feelings or thoughts. We create them with what we focus upon and what we allow in our choices.
A Personal Experience with Loss and Grieving
When I was in my early twenties, a friend of mine from childhood died in a car accident. I remember thinking, “That could have been me.” At the time I didn’t quite understand why I thought that. I wasn’t supposed to be with him at the time. He was actually delivering something as a part of his job. But he had invited me to come visit. We were living in the same vicinity, and I had an understanding that I was somehow tied into his death experience.
Until the funeral, I hadn’t cried or experienced anything really emotional about his passing although I was certainly affected by it. When I got to the funeral, I realized something had built up inside of me. I was aware that I’d loved him more than I’d ever experienced. I remember thinking, “What a beautiful person he was.” Then there was the sense of missing him and the sense of loss that now existed. At the same time, I had this powerful experience of his presence right then and there. There were a couple of ways that I got it.
One time was while his father was giving a eulogy and talking about how he would get into mischief. My friend wasn’t a troublesome kind of person. He was just somebody mischievous, adventurous and willing to cross lines. Right at the moment when his dad was talking, a door toward the back of the church flew open and then slammed shut. I just knew somehow that was a sign that spiritually my friend had somehow come in or was leaving.
The combination of that moment along with everything else got to me. Within a few seconds, I was sobbing. I remember thinking, “Men don’t do this.” I felt self-conscious and like I was in some way being weak. I actually got up and moved to a corner in the church so I could go through my process more privately, which was very important for me in my learning and healing.
As a result of choosing to allow myself to cry, I did the grieving. The grief showed up and happened within seconds as this very intense process. I’m very glad that I could not control my grief. I tried to stuff it, but I couldn’t. I don’t ever remember sobbing like that before that moment. It was a deep uncontrollable, emotional release.
What showed up afterwards, after I had gone through the sobbing, was a celebration of my friend’s life. I knew a joy along with an experience that he was alive. I knew very clearly that wherever he was, it was really good. So I was happy, in fact, happier right in that moment than I’d been in a long time. I couldn’t remember being so happy and clear.
What I learned from that experience, which is the truth of the process for me, is that when we experience the loss there is a grieving. The process of grief is an ordinary process in our human experience in this world. It is our experiencing the reality of missing someone and having that sense of loss on a personal level. So it’s important to allow ourselves to move through that process however it works for us.
For a long time, that experience of profound sadness confounded me. I wondered what it was that came over me. It didn’t quite add up to me that it was all about missing or appreciating my friend. I eventually understood, as I do now, that something cathartic took place. It was very beautiful in a way so that I wanted to have that again. Not necessarily because of somebody dying or having a major loss in my life, but because something had happened to me that was spiritual and beautiful. I had a change of consciousness for which I felt grateful. It was a great blessing.
When we experience losses at a deep level, we’re in for a cathartic change that will serve us. When we have a loss, there’s something about that that represents as an attachment. We need to clear the attachment and heal from it so that we celebrate the transition. For me with the loss of my friend, I experienced the clearing in a matter of moments. Others may take years to do that. I wouldn’t rush the process but instead allow for the ways and timing of the Lord.
I would encourage anybody to have the willingness to confront the grief and allow for whatever that is to take place. By embracing whatever has occurred, you don’t have anything to be concerned about. It’s going to be fine because it’s all good. What’s called for is to acknowledge whatever it is you’re experiencing and let your consciousness take you through the process. Don’t put something like an expectation on your experience. Don’t say, “I should grieve this way or I should grieve that way.” Let your own consciousness determine what works best for you by allowing your process to occur naturally while looking for the good and the blessings in the experience.
Jesus and Grieving
In the story of Jesus’ death, he let his disciples know what was going to happen and that the time of his death was near. When he came up to the Garden of Gethsemane and the Mount of Olives area, he asked his disciples to come with him. He brought Peter, James and John with him when his suffering was so severe it brought him to the point of death.
Maybe that’s a way of letting us know the depth of the suffering. Not that any of us has a real conscious knowing of what death is all about. But Jesus’s story represents something that haunts our consciousness, at least at a distance, and perhaps closely — the idea that death is something that’s unknown but often preceded by a process that we interpret as suffering.
At the point of death, those around the one who goes through the transition we know as death may also be suffering and grieving. Part of the message Jesus gave his disciples that night was that although it was their time to enter into grief, their grief would be turned to joy. All of what comes from the Father is turned to good. Nothing is wasted. All things have purpose, even at the lowest level we may find ourselves.
When he was at his darkest hour, Jesus asked the three disciples he brought with him to stay awake, to stay with him, and to watch. The way I look at that is that was the Lord saying, “Here is a time when I can use you. Here’s a time when you have the opportunity to support me. We are in this together. Death is not something that separates us.”
During the Last Supper, Jesus told his disciples, “I call you friends, and I call you my servants as though I’m the master. But if I’m to deliver to you what is coming from the Father, then you must become one like me. You must become my friends.” Friends are people who, if nothing else, love and care and share. So it was an opportunity for the disciples to offer their loving and caring and sharing.
Also in the story at Gethsemane, Jesus asked for the cup to be taken from him, a cup that is often referred to as a bitter one because what was to be done was considered unpleasant. For whatever reason, there are processes in this world that come in forms that are unpleasant. But those times don’t last.
Our grieving and suffering won’t last. The promise that was given is everlasting life and everlasting joy, but not in terms of this world. It’s not here that it’s delivered. But it is here that it’s chosen. This is the place that we choose into it. This is where joy is at hand. Jesus said, “The Kingdom is at hand.” When we reach out to it and make it something that we behold, then we save ourselves. Choosing back is our salvation.
Jesus had asked, “Oh Father, if this cup can be taken, please take it.” He then said, “Father, Your will and not mine.” So the wisdom was present that the way that was going to be best was according to the Father.
Jesus’s process was of accepting what had to be done, going through the pain and suffering and knowing its form. It’s obvious that Jesus had the ability and experience to know what was coming and to choose into it nonetheless. Part of his message was that he knew what was coming and he chose it anyway, trusting the Lord’s will.
As you look into who you are as a soul, you can realize that everything of this world is temporal. But things of the spirit are everlasting. We are learning that as we choose into what Christ has delivered, we choose into the everlasting and to make that our way. It’s important to realize that it’s a process that shifts and changes so that we go through joy and we go through sorrow and pain. And we go through the healing and the blessings.
The essential message, what was left with us in terms of what Jesus did from that point forward, is about love. What remained was the deep abiding love for everything. The way it was demonstrated was through giving it all up to God and embracing it nobly. That’s not a requirement. So you can choose to go kicking and screaming, if that’s the way you want to go. But you’ll go, nonetheless. So you might as well choose into it with loving and faith in the divine will.
Finding the Blessings in Grief
It is your destiny to be blessed, even in situations where there is great pain and suffering, such as the loss of a loved one. I have assisted a lot of people through their experiences of loss and grief. My initial response is to extend myself in any way I can that’s comforting, nurturing, and consoling. I find that the first move is to express empathy and understanding if I can.
Times of loss are often completely bewildering for those involved directly. They are often in shock or very deep disturbance. They may be stunned, numb or perhaps enraged. All of those reactions I consider ordinary, human responses. So I’m not trying in any way to make reactions wrong. I don’t find a purpose in taking that approach. I encourage people to experience and be aware of their feelings and to move into acknowledgement of the Lord’s will. I ask them, “What are you feeling? What are you thinking?”
They may be thinking, “This is terrible. It’s awful. I don’t deserve it. What kind of God would do such a thing? It’s unfair. It’s the worst thing I could imagine that could happen to me in my life.” If that’s what you’re thinking, I encourage you to come through that acknowledgement process as long as it takes. It could take a lifetime, so that a person could die eighty years later still grieving and upset in some way with what happened long ago. Rather than make that wrong or question why they would still be grieving, I move into the acknowledgment of the perfection in God’s creation. I encourage them to consider, “What would you want?” And often they say things, “I want my child back” or “I want my loved one back.” That’s understandable. So I encourage them to acknowledge and move through their desire towards acceptance.
Sometimes I’ll ask, “How long have you been feeling this?” I invite them to consider if there’s another way they would like to feel instead. Often they respond about wanting the pain and suffering to go away. They wonder if that’s possible. Of course, that’s possible.
I’ll ask, “Would you be willing to do your part to take some responsibility for what’s necessary to relieve that pain?” As they consider what they’re willing to do, I may also ask, “Would you be willing to make it okay at some level that whatever happened to you or your loved one, the grieving part is yours?”
There could be something that they need to do, as their responsibility to change how they relate to that event. I encourage them to find something valuable in what has occurred. When they do, they often come and tell me, “You should let the people you love know you love them. You should be willing to spend more time in caring actions and less time in things that don’t matter.”
The things that don’t matter are often those that people remember with regret. They may say something like, “I wish I would have told my child I love them more” or “I wish I’d done more fun things with them and had not been so critical and condemning of their expression.” These regrets are often at the root of someone’s suffering. So I’ll ask, “Is there anything you can do about what already happened?”
Eventually we realize there is nothing we can do about the past. What’s done is done. What can we do now? We can accept and make it okay at some level that those things happened because those are the things that are at the core of the suffering.
Whatever happened or didn’t happen to you or your loved one is inside of you. So let that go. Release it and forgive yourself. Forgiveness is another great key for overcoming our sadness and grief.
Our spiritual nature is forgiveness. It’s one of the great blessings that I consider comes directly from God to all. But not everybody is willing to accept the forgiveness.
Forgiveness is the way for self-healing. Would you like to heal the hurt? That’s a question I get to as soon as I find that someone is ready to heal.
Are you ready to heal? If you are, would you be willing to forgive? If you’re not willing to forgive but you want to heal yourself, then consider that the way to your healing is through your forgiveness. And particularly in the forgiveness of yourself.
The things that people hold onto as judgments and blame about their role in a loved one’s death are truly out of their control. Often I’ll ask if they could in some way have stopped what happened. Usually they find that they could not have done anything different. When they have that realization, it’s an amazing one. They may say, “There was nothing that I could have done. Even if I felt that I could have, God had a hold of them before they died.”
If it felt like they could have stopped the death, then I go through with them what they remembered. I find over and over that the opportunity to stop the death, the choice to prevent the transition, was actually not available to them. Something happened that was beyond their control which stopped them from preventing the death. They couldn’t do anything about it. God was in control. When you have that awareness and know that truth, it’s an amazing relief.
Grief and the Traveler
None of us have been put here on earth to control others. A key to moving into freedom is letting go of attachments to others’ behaviors or our expectations of what they should do or not do. It’s valuable to look at the roles or expectations we have assigned to others which are not ours to assign, including when someone should leave this world.
Take responsibility for requesting and communicating what you want or expect from others. You always have the opportunity to choose greater freedom by giving others the freedom to choose without judgment from you. This is acceptance and caring for others. As you give this freedom to others, you also take this freedom for yourself.
When we look at death, we may have many ideas about it. Perhaps we’ve had some experiences that we identify with what it is. Because death is something that is yet to happen, we can’t know everything about it.
Death is one of the inevitable occurrences in all our lives. Even though billions of people have done it, it’s still a great mystery. In most societies, it’s often a very uncomfortable subject to discuss. Death is often associated with grief and pain and something that people do all kinds of things to avoid. Yet as human beings, it’s part of our experience that we all must and will do.
Death is also something that is part of the process of soul transcendence. Soul transcendence isn’t complete before the physical death. Knowing death as an inevitability, is there an advantage for us to prepare? Can we even prepare? If so, what can we do to prepare? We look to answers in the spirit. And each of us has the experience with spirit inside.
If we are going to look into what takes place in the death experience, there’s advantage to being able to look away from the world and away from those things that focus us out into the world. Spiritual exercises are a process of going to the place where we live that’s beyond and away from this world. When we do spiritual exercises, as much as we can, we leave the world behind.
In MSIA, we look to who we are as beyond death. One of the great messages of Jesus the Christ is as a wayshower of overcoming the things of this world and to know that death is a form of illusion. While death is a great mystery, it’s also a great initiation which means a great beginning. If you consider that who you truly are is beyond death, then you have a great initiation in front of you. It isn’t a matter of just surviving in the world. There’s a great preparation that we can do for the worlds to come.
We can come into a knowing of what’s beyond death before we face it. The advantage would be obvious. If we know what we’re facing, we’ll better know how to handle it. And if it represents a form of test, we want to make the best choice possible.
The Traveler stands as a consciousness that transcends death and penetrates the veil that goes with the human body. It doesn’t matter what you call that consciousness. It just is. The Traveler comes in as a consciousness that’s here in the human form, subject to the limitations of being human. You can also look upon the Traveler as the consciousness that transcends all the limitations, including death. There’s a place within you that knows that truth. When you’re loving whoever or whatever is present as much as you can, then you will eventually overcome whatever difficulties or challenges you’re facing. There’s no condition that can stop loving. Loving is a fundamental truth. Loving knows no bounds or barriers. Love is never stopped. Love is present always.
Your soul is always loving and knows that your life purpose involves overcoming death. To the soul it’s all one life — a life of freedom and loving that transcends this world. So remember the loving as you experience the grief. Sadness and sorrow will not last, but love and joy will endure always.
Baruch Bashan
