I was afraid to go to Conference.

No, really, I was afraid to go to Conference.  So, for years, I made every excuse not to attend – I hate flying, and it’s a really long drive.  I don’t want to travel because of COVID.  I don’t want to spend even more time sitting in front of my computer to attend online.  I don’t have the money.  I can’t afford to take the time away from work. 

The list goes on and on, but at the heart of excuses was my fear of rejection.  I didn’t want to risk not being welcomed or accepted.

I came into MSIA in 2019 in a somewhat unconventional way.  After discovering msia.org, I decided I wanted to get my Masters in Spiritual Science.  If that meant I had to subscribe to Discourses, then so be it.  So, my MSIA world felt very distant because it was entirely virtual for me.  I mean, I didn’t even know there were ministers in my hometown of El Paso, Texas, until I got ordained in 2021.  And I was comfortable hiding behind my computer screen.  It felt safe.

But this year, I gave myself too many reasons to go to Conference.  I couldn’t avoid it any longer.  I was graduating from DSS.  I hadn’t spent two years in MSS, four years in DSS, and written a Practical Treatise to not attend graduation in person.  That also meant I could meet John Morton in person for the first time.  I got approved for my Etheric Initiation.  And my friend, fellow minister, and traveling companion Lucia wanted to stay for Conference.  Unknowingly, I had decided to make this the biggest, most life-altering trip of my life.

When I pulled into the parking lot at Prana, I burst into tears.  I’d made it!  I’d arrived!  I had overcome the fears, obstacles, doubts, and hesitations and gotten myself all the way down I-10 from El Paso, Texas, to the Home of the Traveler.  And what did I do upon my arrival?  I cried all over the first person I saw because I recognized and knew her from watching the DSS Self-Paced Recorded Format videos – or what I lovingly call DSS TV.  Not knowing who I was, she still lovingly embraced me and welcomed me.  For the record, I proceeded to cry all over the next two people I met and then sobbed while walking the Labyrinth after putting my things in my room.

I was staying at Prana, and I’d walked the Labyrinth.  I felt pretty complete, but there was so much more in store for me.  The next morning, I received my Initiation.  That afternoon was filled with graduation rehearsal and time with my dear friend and fellow graduate Valeria, whom I had only met in person once before.  The excitement and emotions were building, and the experience was starting to feel real – or at least as real as any experience at Prana can feel.

Then the big day came – graduation day!  I got to meet John Morton, and he hooded me and gave me a hug.  Deborah Martinez hugged me and gave me my DSS diploma.  And I managed to get through all of that without crying.  As for after the ceremony, well, I had plenty of tears for anyone willing to hug me.  And yet, everyone wanted to hug me.  No one was complaining at me for my emotions or telling me to stop crying.  At most, people would lovingly remind me to breathe, which was helpful because I was struggling to remember to do that.  In the midst of it all, part of me was thinking that surely this had been the big moment and everything else would be downhill from there.

That was not so.  Having never attended Conference, I didn’t have an understanding of graduation being the “kick off.”  Spirit still had a wild ride in store for me.  With Thursday came the opportunity to meet more people I’d only ever seen on Zoom and make more new friends.  I couldn’t believe how excited people were to meet me and get to know me.  It was such a refreshing experience.

Friday brought with it the start of the workshop “The Inner Master Calls.”  I had never done any processes in a group of that size before.  All my MSS and DSS experiences had been online, and most were done as journal exercises.  As an energetically sensitive individual, I was not prepared for what I was about to experience.  There was so much energy in that room!  It was honestly overwhelming for me.  And there I was, crying with snot running down my face, desperately wanting a tissue but concerned that if I moved from my seat to get one, I’d run out the door and go hide in my room for the rest of the weekend.  Through my emotional upheaval, I heard Jeffrey and Sherie’s words, asking for us to participate in the entire workshop.  I was not a quitter, and I had not driven over 800 miles to hide in my room.  I could and would do this workshop, so I kept asking for the energy to settle for me and for my Inner Master to bring forward that which was for my highest good in this situation.  Then late that afternoon, I got to share in person with the Traveler for the first time.  He saw me, he acknowledged me, and he blessed me.

From that moment on, my entire experience centered on my realization that my Spiritual Family members really see me – the true me – and love me.  No one told me to dim my Light or that I was being too emotional and needed to stop crying, and for a child who’d been taught that her emotions hurt others and should be suppressed, being not just accepted but loved and cherished in all my expressions was life changing.  All I could see was love.  All I could hear was love.  All I could be was love.  Love, it turns out, really is the truth of my beingness.

As day two of the workshop drew to a close, I wasn’t ready for it to end.  I wanted it to last forever and ever.  I wanted to carry that energy of unconditional love with me everywhere so I would never forget that I am love and the Beloved.  Thankfully, my Inner Master helped me anchor the learning and gave me the blessing of a poem to recall the experience whenever I need to.  Here are those words:

For you are the Beloved,
and you know that now.
Your doubt has been washed away,
your consciousness swept clean.
You are the Light you’ve been looking for.
It was radiating within you all along.
All it took was the mirror of the Traveler
for you to see the truth of your Soul.

You’ve been welcomed home,
Embraced, Loved, and Adored.
You know the Traveler’s hand will catch you
should ever you fall and need a safe place to land.

You were there from the beginning,
the moment the Christ action had begun,
and now you are called into greater service
to return to the work of the Lord,
offering your mind, hands, and heart –
your very beingness –
to bring the Light out into the world.

Fear not, my sweet child,
for you are protected.
The covenant has been sealed.
You were called,
and you’ve answered,
now just don’t forget to still breathe.
Breathe and receive
the Light of Spirit,
the love of God,
and bring the peace within.

Carry on, carry on,
endure to the end,
for at the end of the road
waits the Master
to greet you as an old friend.

I was called to be in MSIA in the perfect time and perfect way, and I was called to be at this specific Conference, to connect with my Inner Master, to learn what Spiritual Family truly means, and to experience unconditional loving.  I wouldn’t change a thing about my Conference experience, except perhaps to make it last forever.  But I carry it in my heart, and now I know that Prana and my Spiritual Family will always be there for me, waiting to welcome me home.

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Click here to view all of the photo slideshows by David Sand from MSIA’s Conference of the Inner Master