Question: What’s the best way to handle sibling rivalry?
Answer: I consider parenting the most challenging and important job in the world. Being a parent is being put in a position to play God in this level. Inside each of your children is a soul that has come here to experience and learn from your life experience. That is one of the reasons that you take leadership as a parent. For your children, you become the guiding force. You become the authority that they look to for exampleship and leadership.
You have a wealth of life experience that allows you to teach your children what you know from your direct experience. It is of great importance to be there for your children, providing for them whatever you can. That is part of their inheritance. And a great way to communicate that to your children is that you love and adore them fully.
One of the greatest things you can impart to your children is the truth of who you are. Find the way to do that so that the truth of who you are remains loving. There are karmic relationships that will be there as long as you and your children are in the world. That’s not a punishment. It’s just the arrangement. So keep it as positive, loving and truthful as best you can.
Competition is a way of working things out. If we look deeper into what is competition, it’s often where two or more of us have the same goal or something very similar in the way we are striving to work things out. In playing games competitively there are winners and losers. Rather than seeing it as one child wins and one child loses, realize that your children are going to have experiences in life where they want something and they don’t get it, at least temporarily. We can teach and support our children when others win. We can show them that it isn’t a tragedy. When others win, it doesn’t mean that we have to hang our heads low or go to our room and cry. It could just be, “Life is like that. Sometimes we don’t get what we want.” When I was growing up, we called it being a good sport.
In Loving Each Day for Moms and Dads, John-Roger writes, “In teaching flexibility, you teach your children how to win and lose. When they really know how to lose a game gracefully, they’ll be winners. Losing one game won’t destroy their confidence or self-esteem. They’ll handle it and go on to the next thing.” (page 85)
I’m not ready to do away with competition. I think life is going to continue to present challenges, including from others, toward what is wanted. We can always use any challenge to learn and become more capable. Challenges offer ways to become stronger especially inwardly as we endure and strive to become better. However, if your children’s behavior expresses something violent or a form of againstness where there is name-calling or putting down each other, then be aware and be prepared to stop the violence and againstness. Strive to bring the issues into peaceful resolution through patience and seeking understanding. Have competition in a way in which all involved are honored in that process. Rivalry can be conducted as a fun process in which learning through experience is the focus.
Have patience and hold for the harmony and balance. Find the part of you that is the love of the Mother and Father that is God. Remember that you always have that Partner inside you. And when you’re attempting to find answers as a parent and you realize you don’t know, that’s an opportunity to reach in for the One who does know.
Baruch Bashan
