MSIA Minister Steven Flam, who lives in New York City, sent this story to us in response to the events in New York City on September 11.
I was riding the Q train the other day at 1:30 AM returning home from Brooklyn after doing an MSIA seminar for a friend in their home. I noticed the train had peaked in its arc across the Manhattan Bridge as we began our descent. From where I was sitting, the sparkling skyline of downtown Manhattan began to come into view. The few people in the subway car seemed to awaken all at the same time from their lethargic half sleep and in unison peered, with their collective semi-conscious, intently to the South West. I tried to find the center of all the action but I only saw a huge illuminated cloud of smoke and dust. By seeing the shapes of buildings near World Trade Plaza, as I glimpsed them through the streets I passed that ran in that direction, and judging by the location and shape of the cloud, I could see the empty space where the twin towers used to stand.
This was the first direct view my eyes had of the area of devastation. I had been able to maintain a sense of numbness and personal separation by watching the scenes on television, but all of a sudden everything looked different to me, as if the smoke from two candles that had already burned down refused to stop billowing. As I peered into the cloud illuminated by the searchlights, I had a glimpse, I felt, into eternity and out of time. I saw all the recent tragedies — the loss of the illusion of personal safety on U.S. soil and the solidarity of the rescue workers — as the portals through which we had transited into a new time. The whole world had united in the intent of Peace in its highest form.
Remembering, yet again, a personal, internal and conscious relationship with God was the most cherished thing in my life, I awakened as if from a daze.
Where there was once a sense of strain in trying to convince myself of my intent (towards God), on the one hand, and harboring resistance on the other hand, a quiet peace and deep sense of gratitude arose in its place. I felt a sense of relief as living in each moment with this intent was no longer an option to me, it was now a necessity.
Just before we re-entered the tunnel a sooty smoky smell filled the subway car and I was grateful I could still breathe.
Having returned to New York City a year ago to start many aspects of my life over, and after making the West Coast home for 15 years, I often wondered why I was so moved to be where I never liked being when I was growing up. Some of my family have shared with me that it was to be together during trying times in their lives and in one instance for me to be a soothing influence in the face of the passing of a close friend and associate of theirs. I really have wondered, up until now, whether that was the reason I returned or whether it was coincidence that I needed the comfort of family during this challenging period of my life. Somehow this city feels different to me now.
I know I am right where I need to be.
With loving and gratitude,
Steven Flam
